44 replies to this topic

[Gunboat]

Aboslutely brilliant all of you...really excellent stuff!!

[seaJane]

Hi CGM, I've read this and your other pieces, and I like them: but I'm slightly baffled by Mark's sudden lack of interest at the end of this one, when he has seemed to be so engaged with the stories before. I'd like to see him thinking about it a bit.

The "voice from out of the darkness" gave me a real shiver down the spine and I would have liked the suspense (for me as well as for Mark, who didn't seem bothered at all, somehow) to have continued for a bit longer before the revelation that the other voice belonged to a German.

There are inevitably going to be difficulties writing such short "snapshot" pieces so this isn't meant (and I hope it doesn't come over as) destructive criticism - it's just my inner storyholic shouting "more! more!".

[squirrel]

Excellent entries by all this month - any suggestions for the March topic?

[Landsturm]

Well done everybosy! Someone could surprise us all and add the next title.

[CGM]

Lands, I always get so much from your work.

Seeing that I struggle to understand how something on flat paper can appear 3-D I can't help but be impressed   but this month is something special. It's the ground below the planes which has really caught my eye.

I don't suppose pilots ever had time to really see what they were flying over but I have taken time to let my eye wander over the patterns of the trenches and the shell holes, and then look off into the distance where the view gently fades away, only faintly visible through the fine mist of smoke.
Excellent work.

CGM

[CGM]

Salesie what a poweful piece. I can feel real distress and regret in the words.

CGM

[CGM]

Thank you very much for your comments seaJane. None of them are unreasonable   but there are some suprises there. However, on thinking about them they make perfect sense now.

First, in my defence please take a look at the time and date of my posting.

I struggled to feel inspired this month and struggled to put together what you see. It's now obvious to me that it could have been worth more had I had some belief in it.

I'm slightly baffled by Mark's sudden lack of interest at the end of this one

I had in mind that however much we may wish we had asked veterans of the war to tell us about their experiences before it was too late to do so not all of them would have  been able to engage their listener's attention or even had anything interesting to tell. I obviously completely missed putting across that Mr Murray was one of these!  

after a trip into No Man's Land to see what we could see - where's the exciting description of a terrifying expedition out into No Man's Land in the cold and dark which a young lad would have relished?

Mark wasn't bothered by the voice out of the darkness because the significance of it was totally lost to him because he wasn't into poetry at all and especially that particular one. Sorry Thomas Hardy, but honestly, how uninspiring is
Looking forward to the Spring
One puts up with anything.

He struggled to pay attention and then tried to pull the conversation back to something exciting with "Mr Murray, do you wish you had shot him?"

So, all in all what shall we say? I feel it's a pretty disappointing piece really but I should have made a better job of it.

Now, onwards and upwards to the March title.....

[salesie]

CGM, on 01 March 2011 - 08:54 PM, said:

Thank you very much for your comments seaJane. None of them are unreasonable   but there are some suprises there. However, on thinking about them they make perfect sense now.

First, in my defence please take a look at the time and date of my posting.

I struggled to feel inspired this month and struggled to put together what you see. It's now obvious to me that it could have been worth more had I had some belief in it.

I'm slightly baffled by Mark's sudden lack of interest at the end of this one

I had in mind that however much we may wish we had asked veterans of the war to tell us about their experiences before it was too late to do so not all of them would have  been able to engage their listener's attention or even had anything interesting to tell. I obviously completely missed putting across that Mr Murray was one of these!  

after a trip into No Man's Land to see what we could see - where's the exciting description of a terrifying expedition out into No Man's Land in the cold and dark which a young lad would have relished?

Mark wasn't bothered by the voice out of the darkness because the significance of it was totally lost to him because he wasn't into poetry at all and especially that particular one. Sorry Thomas Hardy, but honestly, how uninspiring is
Looking forward to the Spring
One puts up with anything.

He struggled to pay attention and then tried to pull the conversation back to something exciting with "Mr Murray, do you wish you had shot him?"

So, all in all what shall we say? I feel it's a pretty disappointing piece really but I should have made a better job of it.

Now, onwards and upwards to the March title.....

Don't be disappointed, CGM, it seems pretty good to me.

It's a dialogue only piece and they're pretty difficult to pull-off with no narrative to help build structure and context. The only slight criticism I would offer is that your dialogue is still a little stilted, still a little too formalised like narrative prose (written and spoken language are two totally different beasts, and written dialogue should reflect this, not too much though) - but, all in all, your dialogue is getting there compared to your very early pieces; for a dialogue only story the flow in this one was pretty good.

I particularly liked the "generation gap" - young Mark only sees the glory of war, but the old man sees much more. And that universal truth is what makes the piece work for me. Well done.


Cheers-salesie.

[CGM]

Salesie, I may be disappointed but there's no way I'm downhearted. I'm really pleased to get feed back, so thank you!

I must train myself to listen to conversations, mustn't I.

CGM

[seaJane]

The thing about conversations in fiction is that making them sound realistic, & copying reality, give quite different results (ask the oral history collectors how often people say "er"!). Try having a look at how your favourite authors do it - that said, your style is your style, so don't be afraid to stick to your guns.

[CGM]

Oh dear    I'm very fond of books where everyone speaks formally all the time.........Jane Austen and others, seaJane.
I must try something a bit more modern.

It's time choose the subject for March.

Here is a list of past titles courtesy of Lands. Absolutely anyone who reads or takes part in the MGWAT can choose so if you have an idea please suggest it. It's good to have plenty of time to work on a piece.

[CGM]

And Here is a list of ideas from Neil. Any one of these would make a very good, challenging title except, of course, for They Don't Know, which we have already used.

[Landsturm]

Thanks for kind words, CGM
Interesting idea about the pilot's view... I hadn't done aerial scenes before, so it was a pretty new experience for me. When painting the trench system, I kept thinking how odd they looked from the air. So different from what the poor fellows in them, ever saw.

This month has brought up a conversation about constructive criticism and feedback. personally I feel, that the feedback and critique given here has always been in unoffensive manner and helpful. Not ment to discourage anyone participating in fear of negative ratings, but to help the artist to become even better.

Right, fellows. Lets keep the ball rolling!

[squirrel]

What about "Under age" from Neil's list?

[Roger H]

I keep forgetting to come back to this GWAT.  Really enjoyed this month's efforts so well done all.

Roger

[CGM]

Under age sounds fine to me squirrel.

[Gunboat]

Roger H, on 03 March 2011 - 07:16 PM, said:

I keep forgetting to come back to this GWAT.  Really enjoyed this month's efforts so well done all.

Roger

Nice of you to pop in Roger but do try and get the name right

[tcrean7828]

Landsturm, on 22 February 2011 - 11:28 AM, said:

Aerial scene from the Western Front with Royal Aircraft Factory S.E.5 and German Albatros D.III.
Inspired by an incident that occurred on May 7th 1917, near Douai. British pilot Arthur Rhys-Davids was on his first patrol with the No. 56 Squadron (Royal Flying Corps) when they ran into group of Germans from Jasta 11.
Several British planes were shot down by the experienced German airmen. Rhys-Davids's guns were jammed and his damaged engine suddenly quit. Suddenly the German pilot on his tail, once thought to be Lieutenant Kurt Wolff, pulled away from a sure kill and let him live. Rhys-Davids made a powerless landing safely behind British lines.

The irony of war, both young pilots were killed before the end of the year 1917.

Who painted this picture? and how do I contact them?

[CGM]

Hi,

Welcome to the forum!

To contact Landsturm scroll up to one of his posts, hover your curser over his name on the pale blue/grey stripe and you will see some details.
Click on SEND MESSAGE.

regards
CGM

[tcrean7828]

Outstanding Painting! Keep up the good work

tom