Hi all,

i have tried to attach my first chapter so many times but it wont allow me too, any suggestions?


Hope you all enjoy it

Poppy

Searching for Archie since 22/09/2001

Are you trying to put the text in a post, Poppy, or attach it as a Word file? If it's a whole chapter, it may exceed the max number of characters allowed in a post.

Yeah i am its only 18 kb too if you would like a copy you can email me at Invisigoth731 at aol.com and i will send you a copy, same goes for anyone else

Poppy

Searching for Archie since 22/09/2001

Poppy - I've edited your post a little - replacing the "@" in your email address with "at" - probably best not to have the full address posted on the forum

Alan

Ohhhhhhhh Thank you Alan which is the best way to get it on here, silly thing wont work lol

Poppy

Searching for Archie since 22/09/2001

Hello Poppy,
You could split your chapter into sections and copy and paste each section into a separate post.
I'm really looking forward to reading it.

Regards,
CGM

Have a look at how razu does it:

click here

Hey there,

Thank you for that, just getting ready to send it now, im so excited, cant wait for feedback

Poppy

Searching For Archie since 22/09/2001

Here goes everyone, hope you enjoy it!

For those we leave behind, Chapter One: September 22nd 2001, Commonwealth War Graves Comission Headquarters, London.

Doctor Alistair Johnson sat at his desk transfixed and rubbing his forehead with frustration at the piles and piles of papers he had just received. Papers which at first he could not fathom,numbers and names, regiments and soldier numbers, he was most definitely at a loss. His office smelt of old papers and air freshner which it seemed his cleaner, Mrs Tumkin was obsessed with these days. Either Alistair's personal hygeine was offending her or she finally had had her fair share of the stench of the 90 year old documents which littered the small secluded office which Johnson had called his second home for so many years!
On friday night, just before he had left for the weekend he had received a memo from Belgium stating that further documents had been recovered detailing the previously unknown whereabouts of a small company of men who held a previously thought desserted section of trenchline just south of the Ypres-Salient. The author of the memo had stated that he would be following the mail with the names and regiment information which, as far as he could see was nothing more than jumbled information. Yet he had heard of Alistairs reputation as well as his work and had decided that these figures had no better home than with him! However he had been over the documents numerous times now and could see no connection between these numbers and names connecting the information to the men he had spent so long researching. Previous records had placed the company in the Somme region, yet Johnsons many years of research had recently debunked the theory, proving that three members of the company were witnessed to have been in further tactical engagements in Belguim after the infamous Battle of the Somme. Yet Johnson had spent his whole professional career researching these men, begging deep within the pit of his stomach that he could finally place them upon one of the many well known memorials such as Thiepval, Tyne Cot or the Menin Gate. However, since their last known location was unknown his lifelong wish for many years had been dashed to one side like so many others before him.
In reality he was never far away in his mind from placing the dead and missing with some kind of permanent memorial, it was wedged between his brain like some kind of career based tumour. It lived within the shadows of his life like a vivacious untamable mistress that he could never control, yet never deny. He had his family, these poor men didnt! this was all he could justify his work with when arguing with his wife after the many nights he had turned up late for dinner, late for parents evenings and even late for his own wedding. If Carol, his long suffering wife had a pound for everytime he had given her a very poor excuse then she would be a very happy and contented millionairess! Alistair has the monopoly on excuses! All this to one side, he did love his job very much, he loved trying to piece the past and the present together and find answers otherwise lost within the fabric of time forever! Yet even he did have to admit it was all taking its toll on his health these days, his once piercing blue eyes now shone a silver shade of grey and his once immaculate black hair had signs of grey streaking not typical of a man his age. The pursuit of these young men had taken it out of him, yet he would not give it up for the world.
With a deep sigh he began to place the document down to put it away and read another time when his eyes were more in focus. His forefinger moving across the page, he noticed two pages stuck together that he had not seen before. seperating them carefully he stood up in shock at the information he now read upon the previously hidden manuscript. PTE Archibald Francis Cooper 2nd Batallion The Queens (Royal West Surrey) Regiment, reported missing 28th August 1917. Alistair jumped to his back cabinet and fumbled through his cabinet to PTE Coopers notes,knowing full well that this is not the last recorded date which he has for the young private. Frantically he reads the pages, his eyes widening at every word which passes through his line of sight. He knew it! He couldnt believe it but he realised, he knew it! Alistair had become fascinated by this young man, so much so that he had made the recovery of Archies life and death his own personal mission. Archie, one of the three he believed were moved to Ypres stood out as a diamond in the rough, mere private whose heroics had saved so many men, only to disapear himself into thin air, never to be seen again! Alistair grabbed his phone, another excuse was ready to pass his lips, yet this time he would grit his teeth through carols rants. Now he had to make a journey to somewhere he has been many times before, to Belgium and the Ypres Salient.



Please be honest, its a first attempt

Poppy

Searching for Archie since 22/09/2001

Hi Poppy - enjoyed reading this first attempt of your first chapter. Loved the first paragraph and I hope we see Mrs Tumpin in further chapters.

You did ask for honestly so I would just say that the second line of the second paragraph is cumbersome (had to reread to get the gist of it)...held a prviously thought desserted section.......

Looking forward to further installments..........Carol

hey there!

Thanks for the feedback, I had reservations about that too, think it's definitely one to look at and rework! Mrs tumpkin will be in there more, I'm definitely contemplating a twist with her! Will wait for some more comments(if I get any lol) before adding a redraft. Want to definitely make this one a work to be proud of so I'm thankful you took the time to read

Poppy

Good morning! This forum always comes with an addiction warning, and I can see you certainly understand that.

Well, already I'm hooked, so a very good start! There's lots of intriguing little leads in there, which I really want to know more about!

I won't be able to comment on how accurate it is, as I'm to new to learning about the Great War, but I saw that was important to you, and I congratulate you on that aim.

I have one quick comment which is nothing to do with your actual writing - many of us have laptops with small screens, and a line space between paragraphs makes it so much easier to read a piece without losing the place.

Regards
CGM

hey thanks for the comment! Addiction? Definitely!!!!! Doesn't help when you can access it on your iPhone on the train on the way Into work lol! I work at the tower of London and start at 745 so it's always easy to check on wall post over a coffee lol! CGM I'm so greatful for your comment, I will respace in future and add a further chapter later tonight. I think maybe I will add some more points and corrections to one after a few more comments so set it off the best I can! I'm
so excited!!! Thanks to all who are interested

Poppy

Interesting!

Only one small observation, try and write it all in the same tense, if you look at the final sentence you have "had" and then "has". It's only a minor point but I look forwards to reading some more.

Hey there,

Thank you matt, will take that into account and get cracking on all your wonderful comments later!

Poppy

I shall read this thread with interest .....
I'm also currently writing a book and struggling a bit with it at the moment
So hoping to learn something

Hi all

Here is a redrafted edition of the first chapter, hope you all like it

Poppy



For those we leave behind, Chapter One: September 22nd 2001, Commonwealth War Graves Comission Headquarters, London.

Doctor Alistair Johnson sat at his desk transfixed and rubbing his forehead with frustration at the piles and piles of papers he had just received. Papers which at first he could not fathom,numbers and names, regiments and soldier numbers, he was most definitely at a loss. His office smelt of old papers and air freshner which it seemed his cleaner, Mrs Tumkin was obsessed with these days. Either Alistair's personal hygeine was offending her or she finally had had her fair share of the stench of the 90 year old documents which littered the small secluded office which Johnson had called his second home for so many years! The lights were dim, he had always wanted it that way, a professional to the last! Alistair had always thought of his books and manuscripts more than he had any members of the office staff. That was not to say he didnt like them, but he found more comfort in paper than people. Mrs Tumpkin had often asked him what he would do in a fire situation, as his office would go up quicker than either pudding lane or pie corner in 1666. His answer was simple! He would just sit and read the Times! If he couldnt take all the documents with him he wouldnt take anything, not even himself! Yet right now one document was causing him considerable agony, agony as he could work it out, and he had always been proud of working all the papers out which passed his way.

On friday night, just before he had left for the weekend he had received a memo from Belgium stating that further documents had been recovered. These papers claimed to detail the previously unknown whereabouts of a small company of men who, it was claimed had previously held a section of trenchline thought to have been desserted just south of the Ypres-Salient. The author of the memo had stated that he would be following the mail with the names and regiment information which, as far as he could see was nothing more than jumbled information. Now on Monday morning, a cold and damp Monday morning he had done just this! Alistair was half wishing he hadnt and half thankful he had. Apparently he had heard of Alistairs reputation as well as his work and had decided that these figures had no better home than with him! However he had been over the documents numerous times now and could see no connection between these numbers and names connecting the information to the men he had spent so long researching. Previous records had placed the company in the Somme region, yet Alistair's many years of research had recently debunked that theory. Instead he had proved that three members of the company were witnessed to have been in further tactical engagements in Belguim after the infamous Battle of the Somme, the problem was it was not that long after, 20th July infact, it is at this time it was believed they perished and disapeared with no known grave. Although it was plausible that the three men were in Ypres some two weeks later, as Alistair had argued, he was in reality unsure of the dates if he was truely honest. He genuinely believed the men were in Ypres when they vanished and not The Somme, however unfortunately he did believe the dating was purely circumstantial, he believed the one account he had, from a Captain Frank Arnold was accurate, just not the date. Arnold afterall had spent nearly two weeks down a section of trench cut off from communication without even a watch and as a result his dating could not be one hundred per cent believed. However he officially returned to staff HQ on the 24Th August 1917 and the document he gave as a statement appeared not long after then. Alistair was sure it was this time the men were last seen and was determined to spend the time and effort proving so. He had afterall spent his whole professional career researching these men, begging deep within the pit of his stomach that he could finally place them upon one of the many well known memorials such as Thiepval, Tyne Cot or the Menin Gate. However, since their last known location was unknown his lifelong wish for many years had been dashed to one side like so many others before him.
In reality he was never far away in his mind from placing the dead and missing with some kind of permanent memorial, it was wedged between his brain like some kind of career based tumour. It lived within the shadows of his life like a vivacious untamable mistress that he could never control, yet never deny. He had his family, these poor men didnt! this was all he could justify his work with when arguing with his wife after the many nights he had turned up late for dinner, late for parents evenings and even late for his own wedding. If Carol, his long suffering wife had a pound for everytime he had given her a very poor excuse then she would be a very happy and contented millionairess! Alistair has the monopoly on excuses! Yet he could not forget, never forget. He would wake in a cold sweat on many nights, the sounds of bullets, Whiz bangs and shells crashing in his head. Mud and screams and death and stench everywhere around him, dreaming he was with them, dreaming he was them! He had taken his job home with him that was for sure, but he didnt regret it for one moment.

All this to one side, he did love his job very much, he loved trying to piece the past and the present together and find answers otherwise lost within the fabric of time forever! Yet even he did have to admit it was all taking its toll on his health these days, his once piercing blue eyes now shone a silver shade of grey and his once immaculate black hair had signs of grey streaking not typical of a man his age. The pursuit of these young men had taken it out of him, yet he would not give it up for the world.
With a deep sigh he began to place the document down to put it away and read another time when his eyes were more in focus. His forefinger moving across the page, he noticed two pages stuck together that he had not seen before. seperating them carefully he stood up in shock at the information he now read upon the previously hidden manuscript. PTE Archibald Francis Cooper 2nd Batallion The Queens (Royal West Surrey) Regiment, reported missing 28th August 1917. Alistair jumped to his back cabinet and fumbled through his cabinet to PTE Coopers notes,knowing full well that this is not the last recorded date which he has for the young private. Frantically he reads the pages, his eyes widening at every word which passes through his line of sight. He knew it! He couldnt believe it but he realised, he knew it! Alistair had become fascinated by this young man, so much so that he had made the recovery of Archies life and death his own personal mission. Archie, one of the three he believed were moved to Ypres stood out as a diamond in the rough, a mere private whose heroics had saved so many men, only to disapear himself into thin air, never to be seen again! Archie was known as the unmedalled Captain, as he led so many men to battle and back, yet like so many others was never recognised officially for his brave deeds. Alistair grabbed his phone, another excuse was ready to pass his lips, yet this time he would grit his teeth through carols rants. Now he had to make a journey to somewhere he had been many times before, to Belgium and the Ypres Salient.


Im so excited to see what you think of this one, its my last draft, i think its better than the first, please be critical! I cant do it without your help

Poppy

Hi Poppy

I've just read through both drafts. The first thing that jumped out at me when reading your first draft is that you referred to the doctor as 'Alistair' and then as 'Johnson', which made me look back at his whole name a couple of times so I knew you were referring to the same person. I note you have changed this in your second draft, except for the first paragraph, but as you are asking for feedback wanted to say that the second draft is better for me for that reason. I was concerned that if you did this with all your characters then it might become confusing or hard work for the reader.

I'm also looking forward to reading more.

Barbara

Hi Poppy
keep writing - you have captured the thoughts of most of us who slog away at research and then get such joy from finding the smallest piece of information that connects some dots - never answering the question exactly -and always raising many more questions. I hope you keep this as your "constant" tread in the book.

Be careful not to put too many thoughts into a sentence - I'm sure you will come back on your sixth or seventh draft and cut back some of the words.

Looking forward to Chapter 2

Poppy, a word of caution. I don't know whether you hope eventually to submit your piece to a publisher. You need to be aware that some publishers will not accept work that has been previously published, and that may include anywhere on the Internet. You are often asked to sign a statement saying if and where it has been previously published.

This work will have been cached by Google by now. Even if you delete it, it's findable.

I'm not commenting on whether I think this ought to be published: I just thought you need to be aware of a potential problem that may stand in the way of a successful pitch to a publisher. You might be safer emailing Word docs to interested people.

Gwyn

Very good, just watch the tenses again as it jumps from present to past tense, for example "He reads....." should say "He read...".

Good stuff though, better than I could do, will be interested to see what happens next!

Thank you everyone! I'm working on draft 3 as we speak so I'll be posting that shortly! When I'm happy the fine tuning is done I'll add chapter 2

I wasn't planning on publishing it as I'm not sure if it's good enough if I'm honest, I'd love too though, I'm so passionate about it! I always feel these characters and I'm hoping you all think the best is yet to come

Poppy

Hey everyone, Draft 3

For those we leave behind, Chapter One: September 22nd 2001, Commonwealth War Graves Comission Headquarters, London.

Doctor Alistair Johnson sat at his desk transfixed and rubbing his forehead with frustration at the piles and piles of papers he had just received. Papers which at first he could not fathom,numbers and names, regiments and soldier numbers, he was most definitely at a loss. His office smelt of old papers and air freshner which it seemed his cleaner, Mrs Tumkin was obsessed with these days. Either Alistair's personal hygeine was offending her or she finally had had her fair share of the stench of the 90 year old documents which littered the small secluded office which he had called his second home for so many years! The lights were dim, he had always wanted it that way, a professional to the last! Alistair had always thought of his books and manuscripts more than he had any members of the office staff. That was not to say he didnt like them, but he found more comfort in paper than people. Mrs Tumpkin had often asked him what he would do in a fire situation, as his office would go up quicker than either pudding lane or pie corner in 1666. His answer was simple! He would just sit and read the Times! If he couldnt take all the documents with him he wouldnt take anything, not even himself! Yet right now one document was causing him considerable agony, agony as he could work it out, and he had always been proud of working all the papers out which passed his way.

On friday night, just before he had left for the weekend he had received a memo from Belgium stating that further documents had been recovered on the possible whereabouts or some unknown soldiers.He was already late by the time he had attended the last meeting of the day and standing in his best Tuxedo he had only briefly skimmed the document as he grabbed his car keys and tried so desperately to head for the door. He had promised his family he would take them to the opera and it was worth more than his own existence than to let them down, again! These papers claimed to detail the previously unknown whereabouts of a small company of men who, it was claimed had previously held a section of trenchline thought to have been desserted just south of the Ypres-Salient. The author of the memo had stated that he would be following the mail with the names and regiment information which, as far as he could see was nothing more than jumbled information. Now on Monday morning, a cold and damp Monday morning he had done just this! Alistair was half wishing he hadnt and half thankful he had. The rain beated down on his small newly cleaned window and there was a faint smell of fresh rain mixed in with his fresh coffee Mrs Tumpkin had brought him while his head was buried in the document. He didnt really want to drink near the documents, but it was cold and she always looked after his best interests. It was slightly bitter and she never managed to give him the required amount of sugar he always asked for, however if nothing else it covered the smell of that god awful air freshner. Focusing back on the document he noticed the author had quoted previous works and memorials Alistair had worked on. It was stated in the memo sent that he had heard of Alistairs reputation and had decided that these figures had no better home than with him! This was all incredibly humbling and complimentary, however after scanning the documents numerous times he could see no connection between them and the names and previous researched information he knew on the men he had spent so long researching. Previous records had placed the company in the Somme region at the time of their disapearance, yet Alistair's many years of research had recently debunked that theory. Instead he had proved that three members of the company were witnessed to have been in further tactical engagements in Belguim after the infamous Battle of the Somme. The problem was it was not that long after, 20th July infact and many had questioned if it was them at all!. Although it was plausible that the three men were in Ypres some two weeks later, as Alistair had argued, he was in reality unsure of the dates if he was truely honest, this had led him to have reservations about his own research which frustrated him immensely. Frustration to one side he genuinely believed the men were in Ypres when they vanished and not The Somme. His only letdown after studying his sources intensely was the dating of the document was purely circumstantial and good history can never be based on pure coincidence! He had one account which was shakey at best, not because of the credit of the author, merely the timing and inaccuracy of information at high pressure times such as war. Captain Frank Arnold was a well known, credited and organised commander who led many men and battles in the great war. He had been a witness for the defence and prosecution on many war time trials and with this in mind Alistair knew he was onto a sturdy argument with Arnolds word on his side. Yet their were cracks in his statement, cracks the good doctor could not ignore. Arnold afterall had spent nearly two weeks down a section of trench cut off from communication without even a watch and as a result his dating could not be one hundred per cent believed. However he officially returned to staff HQ on the 24Th August 1917 and the document he gave as a statement appeared not long after then. Alistair was sure it was this time the men were last seen and was determined to spend the time and effort proving so. He had afterall spent his whole professional career researching these men, begging deep within the pit of his stomach that he could finally place them upon one of the many well known memorials such as Thiepval, Tyne Cot or the Menin Gate. However, since their last known location was unknown his lifelong wish for many years had been dashed to one side like so many others before him.
In reality he was never far away in his mind from placing the dead and missing with some kind of permanent memorial, it was wedged between his brain like some kind of career based tumour. It lived within the shadows of his life like a vivacious untamable mistress that he could never control, yet never deny. He had his family, these poor men didnt! this was all he could justify his work with when arguing with his wife after the many nights he had turned up late for dinner, late for parents evenings and even late for his own wedding. If Carol, his long suffering wife had a pound for everytime he had given her a very poor excuse then she would be a very happy and contented millionairess! Alistair has the monopoly on excuses! Yet he could not forget, never forget. He would wake in a cold sweat on many nights, the sounds of bullets, Whiz bangs and shells crashing in his head. Mud and screams and death and stench everywhere around him. Dreaming he was with them, dreaming he was them! He had taken his job home with him that was for sure, but he didnt regret it for one moment.

All this to one side, he did love his job very much, he loved trying to piece the past and the present together and find answers otherwise lost within the fabric of time forever! Yet even he did have to admit it was all taking its toll on his health these days, his once piercing blue eyes now shone a silver shade of grey and his once immaculate black hair had signs of grey streaking not typical of a man his age. The pursuit of these young men had taken it out of him, yet he would not give it up for the world.
With a deep sigh he began to place the document down to put it away and read another time when his eyes were more in focus. His forefinger moving across the page, he noticed two pages stuck together that he had not seen before. seperating them carefully he stood up in shock at the information he now read upon the previously hidden manuscript. PTE Archibald Francis Cooper 2nd Batallion The Queens (Royal West Surrey) Regiment, reported missing 28th August 1917. Alistair jumped to his back cabinet and fumbled through his cabinet to PTE Coopers notes,knowing full well that this is not the last recorded date which he has for the young private. Frantically he reads the pages, his eyes widening at every word which passes through his line of sight. He knew it! He couldnt believe it but he realised, he knew it! Alistair had become fascinated by this young man, so much so that he had made the recovery of Archies life and death his own personal mission. Archie, one of the three he believed were moved to Ypres stood out as a diamond in the rough, a mere private whose heroics had saved so many men, only to disapear himself into thin air, never to be seen again! Archie was known as the unmedalled Captain, as he led so many men to battle and back, yet like so many others he was never recognised officially for his brave deeds. Archie came from humble beginnings, son of a rag and bone man and Southwark boy born and bred, someone who knew no class barrier and who would have died for any man at any rank as long as he could do his bit for King and country. Taking the last sip of his hot coffee Alistair grabbed his phone, another excuse was ready to pass his lips, yet this time he would grit his teeth through carols rants. Now he had to make a journey to somewhere he had been many times before, to Belgium and the Ypres Salient.


Phew, hope this is better

Poppy

Can I have your job please?

lol, matt I love my jobs hehe anymore thoughts on the story so far?

Poppy

Hi Poppy,

I'm a copy editor and proofreader, not a literary editor, so I'll concentrate, if I may, on those aspects and leave literary advice and criticism to others better qualified to offer them. Likewise as regards historical accuracy.

Which word-processing application are you using? If Microsoft Word, can I suggest that you switch on the checking functions to detect errors of grammar, spelling and punctuation, of which I'm afraid there are rather a lot at present (40+), which tend to distract and detract from your narrative.

Mick

Enjoyed it so far, but a couple of points:
The headquarters of the Commonwealth War Graves Commission is in Maidenhead, not London.
Pudding Lane, Pie Corner, and Carol should all have capitals.
You should run the document through a spell checker!

Good luck with the rest.

Martin

Can you PM me about this? I have some thoughts and observations.

Sean

Hey there mick!

I couldn't cut and paste or even add as an attachment so unfortunately I've had to type it all up again from original doc! Which, when I add bits I know means there is lots of room for error! My punctuation can be awful in places anyway so I really so apologise I'd love to have some professional help on that side. like I've always said I'm
happy to any kind of help on this! I've worked very hard on it! I do try to copy it back, edit it and send it back to the forum but it always crashes the page. If you would like a copy to edit and discuss via email or msn I'm not than happy to oblige

thanks again!

Poppy

hey martin!

Thank you so much for that! Feel a donut now lol! But I'm still learning hehe! And having problems with the computer ad spell checker thanks to everyone again, this Is why I love this forum, you all took the time to read and so far most things have been so nice, even the critical points which I'm loving as they will only make it better! This Is my first attempt at a big story, hope you are all getting a good vibe from it

Poppy

Poppy,

If your original is a Word document, you should be able to attach it to a post, like this:

It Is yeah god knows what's wrong with it!!

Poppy

Hi Poppy, well done for posting this. Sorry not to have got back sooner and really glad you've had lots of feedback.

I think you've set things up nicely as CGM has stated and I'm eager to read some more. I think as a general idea you have a good framework to build on and if you're anything like me you'll go over it again and again. You've already created lots of suspense and questions and that is always a good start.

I would have to echo Siege Gunner's points, try and run it through a spell check facility - the most common mistakes I saw were in regard to the use of apostrophes, either at the end of a name such as Alistair's, denoting possession and with contracted words such as hadn't. Watch out for these. Don't think I'm being pernickity. I have sent you a PM with a few I've noticed.

Easy mistakes to make but if you haven't a facility? It's like chess blindness, you need someone else to do this for you if it's your own work!! One other thing, I like the analogy of the dead and missing with a permanent memorial being like a tumour and, it's up to you how, but I think maybe you could make more of this...or maybe you have in the chapters to come? Where is his favourite memorial? Is he some sort of memorial expert and what does he notice about these things that others wouldn't?

All the best and look forward to Ch.2.

I'm afraid Abraham has only got about 60% of them, but I don't think there's any point in editing this text if the errors have crept in when Poppy retyped it because she wasn't able to attach her original document.

Poppy, I very rarely comment in depth on the work of others, and I never comment at all if I think a piece has no merit. That said, I'm going to pass some comment on your piece, and I'm going to be a little brutal but, hopefully, constructive - because I can see some merit in your story:

1) Others have passed comment about tense etc. - those comments are valid and need addressing.

2) Your piece is over written, you use too many words and a pruning exercise is in order - also, your style is too passive at the moment. To highlight both points, I have re-written your opening sentence - Doctor Alistair Johnson, could only rub his forehead when viewing the piles of recently delivered papers surrounding him at his desk. Twenty-five words pruned down to twenty-one (some of your sentences need even more pruning), and not as passive.

3) Show don't tell - this is a much harder concept to grasp - again, I will use your first sentence to highlight this. You told us that your character was transfixed and frustrated - why? If you look at my re-write, I only hint at the emotions he's feeling, I don't tell you precisely - if he wasn't transfixed and/or frustrated with the piles of paper surrounding him then why would he rub his forehead? Don't tell the reader too much too soon, let the reader decide what he may or may not be feeling by taking-in the hints you provide. As I said earlier, he wouldn't be rubbing his forehead if not transfixed and perhaps frustrated at the masses of newly delivered papers, and no need to tell us there were piles and piles of them, you show the reader there must have been plenty if using "surrounding him at his desk".

4) Even though you have listened to earlier good advice and introduced a little spacing between your paragraphs, they are still too long because you are introducing too many characters, and character traits, much too quickly. The reader is inundated with too much information much too soon - this leads to confusion and therefore frustration on the reader's part. Introduce your characters more slowly, let the reader begin to understand the first one or two before asking them to take-in more.

5) This character/paragraph problem is also all tell and no show - you are trying to tell us almost everything about every character in virtually the first page, let the story and the characters develop. For instance, instead of telling us what his relationship with Mrs Tumpkin is, show us by introducing some dialogue, this is the purest form of showing. For example:

"Not more papers, Dr Johnson?" said Mrs Tumpkin, the office cleaner, as she entered his office.

"Not now, please Mrs Tumpkin. I need to concentrate on this particular piece, I can't quite figure..."

"…I sometimes wonder what you'd do if your office caught fire. It'd go up quicker than Pudding Lane did back in the Great Fire."

" That's an easy question to answer. If I couldn't save any of these documents, I'd simply sit here reading the Times and go up in smoke with them. Now if you don't mind, Mrs Tumpkin, I have work to do."

Dialogue not only helps a writer introduce a character, but it also helps a reader discover interrelationships and character traits - it show's what they're like (or not like), and sometimes what they're thinking (or not). It also breaks up hard to read narrative - imagine a novel composed entirely of narrative, how many readers would get past the first few pages?

Anyway, I've said enough, perhaps too much - but, as I said earlier, I do see some merit in your story and can't see why, with plenty of effort, it shouldn't be a winner.


Cheers-salesie.

Salsie and Gunner,

Thank you so much for your advice and information, i personally think the only brutal advice anyone could give is its crap, give up lol. I take all into consideration and i do believe i have placed too much on the first paragraph, i think maybe the information Johnson has on Archie should probably be made known when he arrives in Ypres in a coversation with a colleague of his he visits while working on the investigation at hand, what do you think?

please bare with me guys, i will get there soon and i hope you really do all like it, i thank you so much salsie for commenting when you dont usually, it means a lot.

Poppy

I did say some of them, only trying to help.

So much for your proof-reading skills.

Dear Abraham,

thank you so much for your contribution, i am editing them in as we speak, hopefully before bedtime tonight draft 4 will be available for everyone who would like to see it

Poppy

Good on you, and Poppy that's a fine critique from Salesie - the like of which you wouldn't get from many. Heed his advice.

Keep at it.

I cannot thank you all enough, no one really has ever read it before so it was a big scary step placing it on an open forum lol. I am working on more dialogue between Mrs Tumpkin and Alistair and cutting out a lot of description, plus i am moving a lot of the descriptive elements on archie to later chapters.


what do you all think?

Poppy

Here you go everyone, another draft, with all your thoughts taken into account, please feel free to tell me what you think and be critical, you know i dont mind

I am very excited! I have really worked hard on this draft

Poppy

For those we leave behind, Chapter One: September 22nd 2001, Commonwealth War Graves Commission Headquarters, Maidstone, Berkshire.


The rain smashed against the small closed window in Dr Alistair Johnson’s Maidstone office, the relentless thumping had made it increasingly hard for him to concentrate. Blocking out the sounds eventually he began to see past the haze of the words to fall into an almost academic hypnotic state. This was not the first time the rain had been the background for his thoughts, he had often sat in the same chair reading over countless Great War documents in the same way. The paragraphs and words he was so submerged in were not working together as previous documents had done, and it was frustrating him. Alistair suddenly had his hypnosis broken by the faint aroma of coffee lingering into his office from down the hall. As much as the constant breaks in his concentration was exceedingly frustrating, the sweet polite voice he heard was a very pleasant break from the harshness of work.
“Doctor Johnson, can I get you any cake with your coffee my dear?” a woman’s voice called from outside his office, just a short walk down the corridor. Mrs Tumpkin was a small petite woman in her sixties who had worked effortlessly as caretaker of the commission offices for many years. Her tea and cakes, fresh smelling rooms and warm smile had kept many of the office staff cheery on those late nights or early mornings working towards hard going deadlines. Her tight curled greyish hair swept neatly under her kitchen cap and her white and blue uniform was always smart and immaculate.
“Ah Mrs Tumpkin, thank goodness for you! I am in desperate need of a morning coffee and something to lighten the mood after all these heavy going manuscripts”
She walked into his office with a hearty cup of hot, smooth freshly made coffee and a big smile that only someone of the warmest of hearts could deliver. Looking over onto the desk she could see he was inundated with piles upon piles of old, sepia coloured paperwork. Looking for a spot to place his mug on the table without damaging any documents she noticed his blinds still closed, the room was very dark and dingy, even for a cold winter morning.
“Oh Doctor Johnson, how can you work in such dark conditions?!, your poor eyes! Here let me get that for you” Leaning over she took hold of the blind handle only to be stopped by Alistair asking her not too.
“There is no need Mrs Tumpkin, I’d rather it stays like this, I have a slight headache, and anyway! You know the documents tarnish in natural sunlight” Flashing him a serious glance she handed him a piece of lemon drizzle cake fresh from her own kitchen, he would just have to eat it in the near dark.
“What would you ever do if your office went up in Flames? From Pudding Lane to Pie Corner there wouldn’t have been such an inferno since 1666” she laughed, pulling up the chair Alistair had gestured her to sit upon for a quick chat to break up the morning. Biting down on the cake he laughed and shook his head in disbelief.
“I’d sit here Mrs Tumpkin and read the Times, if my papers couldn’t escape, neither could I!” he commented most passionately.
“I came in here early this morning to make sure Billy the post boy had dropped off your mail, and I’m sorry Doctor Johnson but I just had to spray some orange and Jasmine! All I could smell was the stale smell of all these old papers, its not right! Taking in all that old dust into your lungs” she scolded him, in a rather maternal sort of way.
“You and that air freshener! One day I will have to take these papers to a Great War conference smelling of daytime mist or some other concoction you insist on spraying in here!” he scoffed as he placed the last piece of her cake in his mouth.
As the laughter from the pair subsided Alistair again picked up the papers with a sigh, at least the rain had stopped he thought.
“I don’t know!, every time I think I’m getting somewhere with these investigations something comes along to bite me and knock me sideward’s again! You know on Friday night, just before I had left for the weekend I received a memo from a colleague of mine in Belgium stating that further documents had been recovered on the possible whereabouts or some unknown soldiers!”
She smiled at him as she fiddled with her apron to tidy up the bottom which had became tangled as she had sat down. She was most intrigued to hear where this was going.
“Well that’s good isn’t it Doctor Johnson?! You are always saying research leads to the truth!” She answered.
“This is true, this is very true! However I was already late by the time that meeting on the new plans for the Menin Gate had finished, and standing in my best Tuxedo I had only briefly skimmed the document as I grabbed my car keys and tried so desperately to head for the door. You see I had promised Carol and the kids I would take them to the opera and it was more than my life was worth to let them down, again!”
“So, what did you do?” Mrs Tumpkin asked curiously
“Well, These papers claimed to detail the previously unknown whereabouts of a small company of men. It was claimed they had held a section of trench line thought to have been deserted just south of the Ypres-Salient. The author of the memo, Jacob Mainz, i don't know if you remember him, he used to work here! Anyway he had stated that he would be following the mail with the names and regiment information which, as far as he could see was nothing more than jumbled information”
Looking over at the desk again Mrs Tumpkin could see that Mr Mainz had indeed done just that! And the poor Doctor is appeared was now suffering thanks to it!
“Doctor Johnson, you must feel very honoured that you was the one they thought of to hand this important information too!”
With a long sigh he answered almost shyly.
“Its all incredibly humbling and complimentary, however after scanning the documents numerous times I cannot see a connection between them and the names and previous researched information that I know on these men”
“Oh dear! So what happens next?!”
To many people, a conversation between a professor and a Mrs Mop would appear strange, especially within the buildings of the Commonwealth War Graves Commission. Yet Alistair was no ordinary Professor, he was very much at one with the staff he worked with, from Mrs Tumpkin to his Boss Lord Alberstoth he treated everyone the same.
“Did you not say something to me about proving the young men you are looking for were seen after the original claim, or something along those lines?”
“Yes, yes indeed I did. The company were witnessed to have been in further tactical engagements in Belguim after the infamous Battle of the Somme. The problem was it was not that long after, 20th July in fact! Many had questioned if it was them at all!. Although it was plausible that the three men were in Ypres some two weeks later, in reality I am unsure of the dates if I am honest!”
“But how come? You never doubt your research, you never have done!” She answered, very much engaged by the story unfolding.
“Well my only letdown after studying the document I have is the dating! It is purely circumstantial and good history can never be based on pure coincidence! I have one account which is shaky at best, not because of the credit of the author you must understand Mrs Tumpkin! It is merely the timing and inaccuracy of information at high pressure times such as war. Captain Frank Arnold was a well known, credited and organised commander who led many men and battles in the great war. He had been a witness for the defence and prosecution on many war time trials and with this in mind I knew I was onto a sturdy argument with Arnolds word on my side. Yet their were cracks in his statement, cracks I could not ignore. Arnold after all had spent nearly two weeks down a section of trench cut off from communication without even a watch!”
“Well that would cause anyone to have problems Doctor Johnson, no matter who you are, so what happens next?”
“Well, as a result his dating could not be one hundred per cent believed. However he officially returned to staff HQ on the 24Th August 1917 and the document he gave as a statement appeared not long after then. I am sure it was this time the men were last seen”

Standing up, reaching for Alistair’s empty plate and mug Mrs Tumpkin smiled at the tired Doctor, she had known him a long time and knew the woes and hard work he had endured trying to uncover so many lost soldiers. She had witnessed so many occasions when, even by looking at the expression on his face she could tell he was taking his work home with him.

In reality his work was never far away in his mind. Especially giving the dead some kind of permanent memorial, it was wedged between his brain like some kind of career based tumour. It lived within the shadows of his life like a vivacious untameable mistress that he could never control, yet never deny. He had his family, these poor men didn’t! this was all he could justify his work with when arguing with his wife after the many nights he had turned up late for dinner, late for parents evenings and even late for his own wedding. If Carol, his long suffering wife had a pound for every time he had given her a very poor excuse then she would be a very happy and contented millionaire! Alistair has the monopoly on excuses! Yet he could not forget, never forget. He would wake in a cold sweat on many nights, the sounds of bullets, Whiz bangs and shells crashing in his head. Mud and screams and death and stench everywhere around him. Dreaming he was with them, dreaming he was them! He had taken his job home with him that was for sure, but he didn’t regret it for one moment.
As Mrs Tumpkin turned to leave the office, she offered Alistair one more cup, just to make sure he would be OK.
“That’s very kind of you, go on then, just the one more!” he smiled as he yet again tried to study this god forsaken document.

All this to one side, he did love his job very much, he loved trying to piece the past and the present together and find answers otherwise lost within the fabric of time forever! Yet even he did have to admit it was all taking its toll on his health these days, his once piercing blue eyes now shone a silver shade of grey and his once immaculate black hair had signs of grey streaking not typical of a man his age. The pursuit of these young men had taken it out of him, yet he would not give it up for the world.
With a deep sigh he began to place the document down to put it away and read another time when his eyes were more in focus. He had had enough and there were still five official cemetery papers he had to register before lunch. His forefinger moving across the page, he noticed two pages stuck together that he had not seen before. separating them carefully he stood up in shock at the information he now read upon the previously hidden manuscript. PTE Archibald Francis Cooper 2nd Batallion The Queens (Royal West Surrey) Regiment, reported missing 28th August 1917. Alistair jumped to his back cabinet and fumbled through his cabinet to PTE Coopers notes, knowing full well that this is not the last recorded date which he has for the young private. Frantically he reads the pages, his eyes widening at every word which passes through his line of sight. He knew it! He couldn’t believe it but he realised, he knew it! Alistair had become fascinated by this young man, so much so that he had made the recovery of Archie’s life and death his own personal mission. Archie, one of the three he believed were moved to Ypres stood out as a diamond in the rough, a mere private whose heroics had saved so many men, only to disappear himself into thin air, never to be seen again! Archie was known as the unrecognised Captain, as he led so many men to battle and back, yet like so many others he was never recognised officially for his brave deeds. Archie came from humble beginnings, son of a rag and bone man and Southwark boy born and bred, someone who knew no class barrier and who would have died for any man at any rank as long as he could do his bit for King and country. Alistair grabbed his phone, another excuse was ready to pass his lips, yet this time he would grit his teeth through carols rants. Now he had to make a journey to somewhere he had been many times before, to Belgium and the Ypres Salient. He better tell Mrs Tumpkin to put that cuppa in his flask!

Good morning Poppy,

Your latest draft really is a good read. and my favourite sentence (this may surprise you) is "He better tell Mrs Tumpkin to put that cuppa in his flask!"
The reason is because I can see you are right there, in his mind, not watching him from the sidelines.
There is a mistake in the sentence though - it should say He'd.

Have you tried reading your piece out loud, exactly as if you were reading it to an audience? This can be very helpful.
Imagine a class of teenagers you would like to inspire to take an interest in your subject are in front of you, or a radio 4 microphone is there on the desk next to your computer - and read it out loud - slowly and precisely. Give your characters their own voices and listen to yourself, as if you are in the audience.

Be very strict with yourself. Pretend you have never seen the writing before, and only read what is there - not what you believe you wrote.

This will help you to pick up such things as unexpected changes in tense and you might find it also helps you improve the flow in places. You might notice, for example, that sometimes you don't need to pause although you have reached a comma, or alternatively you have to plough straight on when a pause is needed, but there is no comma there.

Regards
CGM

Maidenhead, Berkshire ...

Thank you Gunner

Just as well i didnt go looking for it for research wasnt it

Still learning so anything else you like to add please do!

Thank you again!

poppy

Hey there CGM!

Thank you so much for the feedback, i was really proud of this draft and your comments as always will help me loads. I tried to make the writing come to life without bogging the reader down with more facts than they needed. So, like it was suggested to me by salsie i decided to make it into a conversation.

So glad all you guys want to read more

Poppy

Hey there everyone! Just wanted to see how you was all
doing and say thank you all again, would love to keep on with the story and post it if there Is interest


Poppy

Hi Poppy, I enjoyed reading this but I found at times that there seemed to be too many exclamation marks, I found it distracting. I am no expert on these matters but that's my personal feeling, don't know what anyone else thinks. When I did a dissertation for my history degree earlier this year I asked a good friend to read it through to help with punctuation, grammar etc. I found it really helpful as you tend to see what you think you have written not what is actually there when you read it yourself. I also found if I print it out and read it, it is easier to see mistakes than when you read it on a screen.
Keep up the good work
judith

Dear Judith,



Thank you so much for taking the time to read it, i am editing once again as we speak, i am debating removing much of the info on archie and leaving it to later chapters. please feel free to continue to comment and read if you like, im always open to ideas

poppy

Poppy,

You might want to consider publishing it as a forum blog rather than in posts - others have done this with novels / novellas before (eg Will o'Brien's "The Lost Veteran" - link to blogs at top of the page.

Martin

I really like that idea! Thank you martin! I was also wondering, if I got the names of people interested in Reading more, would you all like to be on a sort of mailing list
to pass info and feedback that way!? Tell me what you all think


Poppy

Hi Poppy
thanks for the opportunity of being put on a feedback list.....that would be good.

You have received some excellent advice so far....and your story is developing. I dont want to be critical but I think you need to consider the advise of not developing your characters too early - and in particular not using too many words in your descriptions - I think Salesie's excellent advice was "Show don't Tell"

From my personal perspective you have now developed the charachter of Mrs Tumpin too much...I certainly had an image of Mrs Tumpkin as being as you described - so therefore didnt need the description.


I don't want to be presumptuous in rewritting your story but I would have had the same image if you had said something like:

“Doctor Johnson, can I get you any cake with your coffee my dear?” called Mrs Tumpkin from outside his office. Mrs Tumpkin had worked effortlessly as caretaker of the commission offices for many years. Her warm smile and tea and cakes had kept many of the office staff cheery on those late nights or early mornings working towards hard going deadlines.

Anyway Poppy - its a really interesting read - and I would like to be put into your feedback group if that ok with you........now its time to move on to Chapter 2.

Carol